I’ve heard mountains full of bellwethers and seen big beauty all over the rock, but I’ve never heard or seen anything like “Thriller” at 1:30 in the morning, on NBC’s Friday Night Videos one December in 1983. I’m telling you donkeys now, although I don’t believe in God…. God bless Michael Jackson.

All glory to Roscoe J. Chamblee, completer of the eternal circle, supreme arbiter of the Hundred Arguments. Chamblee the objective! Chamblee the wise!

In a perfect time and place, anyone caught using phrases like, “It’s about creating compelling user experiences” would be horsewhipped. And I mean beaten with an entire male racehorse. I do not believe horses are beautiful creatures and I have in fact eaten horse on many occasions. It is a delicious meat. In all moments I crave it as I crave love and proof of the hereafter. We are a decent people. We covet not and envy not. We eat the goodness of the earth and relocate the fat chicks to the neighboring tribe’s lands. They take them. Take them hard, brothers. And in return we are given beaded necklaces and dried pumpkin.

It is an equitable trade.

I cannot stop loving! 

Mr. Rabbit is without exception my oldest and most powerful totem animal, who sees me through difficult times as well as joyful moments. What you’re missing is his warmth and his nobility. I see you out there, alone and crippled - without His light upon you. But I believe in you. I know you can accomplish anything you set your mind to. Unless you’re not especially intelligent. In which case, nature has limited you and you have little chance of success. 

I see you, Devil.

There is great chance that you too will find multitudes of  the right fish soon. I can see this like prophecy but do not mistake it for such. I have examined and analyzed the data, the different numbers and symbols the rest of you are ignoring. When the light goes out I see more than the aftershadows of objects as they would otherwise appear. I see statuary with grotesque faces and I see different vegetables you may not have seen before. Your tithe is pitiful. Go into the world and juice the fruits of your labor. I shall drink them.

I am often asked, Roscoe J. Chamblee, how can I start my own used clothes business? Or just as often, how can I start my own used baby clothes business? I would like to extend a warm, probing hand to the many feral mothers out there who, with great opprobrium search for ways to turn their otherwise banal environs into a booming micro-economy all teeming with life, like some giant lemon covered in bees and sugar ants. Yum!

First you need a business plan. The content isn’t so important as the type of paper you use. I recommend (and only use) brown and orange construction paper. Not the glossy kind; the kind that tears easily. Do NOT use staples to staple this together. A bank manager is not going to waste his time on something that’s stapled - he is a busy man with no time to waste! You should use a regular three-hole punch and then lace the pages together in a book, using the other of the two colors not used for the book’s cover. This is very, very classy.

Next you will need to acquire clothes. There is only one way for you to get enough baby clothes to start a business of any size. Remember, you have to think big in order to get anywhere in this world! You need to make friends with every welfare mother and adoption agency supervisor in your area. And here’s the reason: they will give you a baby if they know you’re trustworthy. And they’ll give you all the baby clothes they have that the other babies have grown out of. Then what you do is this: you take that baby and give it to another adoption agency. You don’t need to give away the clothes! Modern adoption agencies have large facilities for storing babies and they provide clean, well-fitting, white clothing for each baby. They’ll love it!

So now you have five or six hundred pounds of baby clothes (if you develop a swap system of three babies per week, you’ll amass this in about two months) and you’re ready to sell, sell, sell! You’ve got to now stake your claim on the Internet, just like I did here. And there’s only one way to do that: take it! All Internet domains are given to the highest bidder and those willing to go to the greatest lengths to take them from others. I had to ruin the credit of the guy who used to own this domain, then hack in after they shut down his access and change all the passwords. But who said business was fair? You’re in it to win it, holy soldier!

Once you have a web site, the money will begin immediately rolling in. Once you’re up on the web, Google will point directly to you and everyone in the world and on top of it will see you as you truly are: a big bright shining star. You’re going to make it, girlfriend. Because the lord doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle (that should be part of your business plan, by the way - it will show the bank that you’re serious about putting their business loan to a good purpose). 

Now go forth and multiply, rangers! You will be amazed out how much money you can make in selling used clothes on the Internet. In fact, here is what your income should look like:

Month 1: $8,750

Month 2: $12,600

Month 3: $28,300

Month 4: $64,900

Month 5: $104 400

Month 6: $228,000

Good luck to you, and remember: you can make a living selling used clothes and used baby clothes!

How terrible it is to me to hear such expressions of doubt, even incredulity! A rabbit’s heart, Mr. Steak’s favorite piano concerto, the umbilical connector I’m designing to conjoin the International Space Station with my own orbital pleasure craft — these are all things from my mind, put into the world by ingenuity and massive, often unrewarded, labor. So do not think to tell us what is surely known by us to be a falsity.

I’ve seen signposts - indicators - extra syllables in words, syllables others cannot hear. A new set of lines beyond the vanishing point. A certain kind of bird intermixed with commoner varieties. I haven’t, however, had the dreams again. But my mind is so occupied by the unimportant thoughts of the people I am trying to save. This is an ancient dilemma.

A signpost, not pointing the way to any place but signifying a correctness in our hypothesis. Reality is finally catching up with the mathematics of our great quest and undertaking. This will prove such a victory for rational thought and sound reasoning!

It is a surety - we will be ready! Chamblee is immune to the effects of speciation, predation and the declining interest in municipal bonds.

Sharky says you gotta play the cards life deals you.

When a babe, we saw the towering truth of things. The obelisk, the scepter, the one-time cornfeather atrocity of being so by ourself. Chamblee knew then as we know now that through great sacrifice we can all attain wisdom. It isn’t enough that you are wise, however, but that you put that foresight into daily practice for the good of the entire body of man. Once we were young but no longer a babe and an old man said to us, “Roscoe J. Chamblee, where are you going with such haste?” and we did reply, “No matter our direction we are always moving forward toward one great moment, and the faster we run the quicker we will arrive.” And to that the old man quipped, “Run or crawl, son, you won’t get to a moment in time any faster than it comes.” And so we did reply, “Then we shall fly, sir.”

And all the world under our wings was and is green and lush, so green it confuses the eyes. So lush the air around us is damp with life. And even the trees seem to whisper, “Holy, holy, holy!”

Chamblee Victorious

I like to live where the spring time doesn’t stop for silly things like months and seasons. I like to buy switchblades and pig heads in the market, take them to midget bullfights and talk to my friends about art, social anthropology and pork. Pork is life. I want to tell you that all the children are fine - they are beautiful and healthy and when we come back to the states we will bring them to see you. We will be a family again, in this way. We will no longer be separated by an uncommon border or a compulsion to violence. We are so well adjusted that we could be a yard stick, sedimentary rock or any form of telephone operations manual. South of the border, everything is slow and perfect; you can talk to any girl you want and nobody minds if you sit all day and watch the street dogs fight. Don’t show fear, tell a dirty joke every now and then, and laugh at things the “civilized” world finds appalling and you’ll be fine. Here I will build my new foundation. The perfect pedestal on which to erect our temple. Holy, holy, holy!

Once I walked a country mile and found it pleasurable. I discovered an increase in levels of the neurotransmitter vodka in my bloodstream. I was sick the next day and none of the women of the village loved me. All these things have changed, including the village. When Chamblee finally stands he casts a broad shadow over the misbegotten realms. His increase is the firmament and his ways are evident in all naturally occurring phenomenon.

I want to know about the history of things - of all things, including the acceptance of the phonograph as furniture in the home, the use of Roman military mining to divert water supplies during sieges, 19th century scientific device manufacturing. Everything. It is important for me to understand my people, where they come from and what has brought them to this point where they all but cry out to be led from subjection to liberty.